Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Couch to 5K and Back to Couch

I'm sitting here in my workout clothes mentally churning out excuses for being lazy.  It's a little game I play I like to call "The 1000 Ways the World Needs Me So I Can't Possibly Workout Today."

I'm on Week 1 - Day 2 of the Couch to 5K workout.  It lured me in with its simplicity.  Walk a minute and a half.  Run for 60 seconds.  For a total of 20 minutes.  Walk for a minute and a half.  Run for 60 seconds.  For a total of 20 minutes.  I downloaded the app onto my iPhone.  I love apps.  They lure me in like movie theater popcorn.  For some strange reason, a workout app that fits into my little iPhone is less daunting than the list of workout classes at Bodyworks.  How rigorous could it possibly be?  It's tiny.  Walk a minute and a half.  Run for 60 seconds.  For a total of 20 minutes.

Before I even put on my tenny shoes to conquer Week 1 - Day 1, I spent an hour in this exact chair in front of this exact computer scrolling through my iTunes in search of good "walk" and "run" songs.  My selection process looked a little like this - Scroll down list.  Click on song.  Sway in computer chair with the beat of the music determining if the song is a "walker," a "runner," or neither.  Walking music was easy because I walk around all day long.  Running music was tricky because I generally avoid running except from, say, my car into a building when it's raining.  It NEVER rains in Lubbock.

Next my attention turned to earbuds.  Earbuds...earbuds...where did I stash my good earbuds?  I'm very earbud specific.  I have teensy tiny ears.  The round earbuds that come with iPods pop out of my ears with the tiniest bit of head movement.  I needed the green earbuds with the little squishy buds that I can cram way down into my ear canals.

Armed with my iPhone, the green squishy earbuds, and a water bottle with ice and lemon slice floaties, I headed to Bodyworks to perform Week 1 - Day 1 on the elliptical machine.  At my age, pounding the pavement sends magnitude 6 shockwaves up my legs to my hips inflaming the bursae which, in turn, leaves me tossing and turning all night long.  I looked up the Richter scale.  Magnitude 6: This earthquake is strong enough to badly damage average buildings.  My "building" is very, very average.

Taking my time to place my keys, water bottle, and iPhone on the elliptical machine just so, I mustered every tidbit of my weak determination and summoned the Couch to 5K app to lead the way.  It told me to begin with a 5 minute warmup.  My warmup song is Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror."  Oh, yeah.  Oh, yeah.  I began to glide back and forth on the elliptical.  IF YOU WANNA MAKE THE WORLD - A BETTA PLACE - TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF - AND MAKE A - CHANGE!!  By the time Michael climbs to the key change, I'm on top of my game.  Yeah, baby!  I'm here on this elliptical to make a CHANGE.  I've got this!

The C25K timer counted down 5 minutes, then, a man's voice calmly said "run."  I began to glide with long silky strides in time with my first "run" song.  SOME BRIGHT MORNING - WHEN THIS LIFE IS O'ER - I'LL FLY AWAY!  TO THAT HOME ON GOD'S CELESTIAL SHORE - I'LL FLY AWAY!  I closed my eyes and began to long for that celestial shore.  I challenged myself not to look at the timer.  A minute isn't that long.  I kept my eyes closed for what seemed like an eternity.  Isn't this song about half way over?!  It's about a 3 minute song! What if the "run- walk" guy forgot me?  I opened my eyes and looked at the timer.  Forty seconds had lapsed.  Twenty more seconds?!  Kill me now!

At last, the man dispassionately told me to walk.  Ahhhhh.  My walk song.  Stomp - stomp  - CLAP!  Stomp - stomp - CLAP!   Stomp - stomp  - CLAP!  Stomp - stomp - CLAP!  BUDDY YOU'RE A BOY - MAKIN' BIG NOISE - PLAYIN' IN THUH STREET - GONNA BE A BIG MAN SOME DAY! - YOU GOT  MUD ON YO' FACE - YOU BIG DISGRACE - KICKIN' YO CAN ALL OVER THUH PLACE - SINGING WE WILL - WE WILL - ROCK YOU!

The 20 minutes plodded along to the sounds of DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING - SINGING THE SONGS OF ANGRY MEN - IT IS THE MUSIC OF A PEOPLE - WHO WILL NOT BE SLAVES AGAIN and ANOTHER ONE BITS THE DUST!  Then, the man benevolently declared the workout over and the 5 minute cool down began.  I slowed to a short-step-snail's-pace to the the voices of WE ARE THE WORLD - WE ARE THE CHILDREN.  The 5 minutes sped by leaving the one minute run timer in its dust.

Stepping down from the elliptical, I looked around at my fellow gym-mates expecting some cheering.  Nothing.  The guy on the row in front of me continued to pound the treadmill in a race of one to nowhere.  The cute blonde pony-tailed girl in spandex beside me continued to tromp on her elliptical as if it was doing all the work lifting her pretty little feet up and down.  I stopped myself short of dramatically drawing attention to myself - "HEY, PEOPLE!  I'M AN OUT OF SHAPE 54 YEAR OLD WHO HAD TO TEAR HERSELF AWAY FROM LIFETIME:  TELEVISION FOR WOMEN AND A JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER TO WORK OUT TODAY!  I JUST COMPLETED C25K - W1D2!"

I've dawdled the first 2 hours of my morning away on my computer with emails, fb and blogging.


Anabeth said...

absolutely hilarious. i can use any and every excuse in the book to escape even the most sedentary workouts. locating ear buds will be my next one.
thanks for the laughs.


Carolyn Lackey said...

Lulu, you have no idea how much I appreciate your comments!!! Thanks!

terri said...

I'm impressed! I downloaded that app last month and have yet to open it!

Carolyn Lackey said...

When you open it, I totally recommend "We Will Rock You!"


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